Into the Fire of Authenticity
“You’re exceptional,” said my past client over a casual birthday meeting. “Everyone’s exceptional” I responded, downplaying the comment, and deflecting the compliment the exact way I advise clients not to. Mumbling something along the lines of, “everyone is a genius in their own accord”.
This individual, however; was not letting me off so easily. Once done my whimsical retort they continued “that may be, that everyone is exceptional in their own way, but not everyone knows it, you do, that is the difference.”
In that moment I felt vulnerable and yet strangely seen. Speechless I recalled the words of David Whyte, “language against which you have no defenses”.
I had no defense; in some ways they were right, I have been playing small. After spending years dedicated to unearthing my shadows, uncovering my gifts, learning my true voice, and gathering the skills to bring them into the world. I was still holding back in subtle ways.
The question that occupied my mind post meeting was “why?”… In some ways my subconscious is still telling me that to be exceptional means to have it all together. That exceptional people don’t have colorful pasts, dirty mouths, and a track record for dancing on the edge. They instead have all their ragged edges neatly tied up and sit cross legged on mountains floating above the human experience while handing out advice.
Even as I write this, I know its shit. All my favorite people have shady parts, and my really favorite people spin those parts into humorous and painfully relatable accounts of what it means to be alive in this world.
If that’s not enough, the sages, wise ones, and teachers of our time all seem to unanimously say ‘no’ to perfection and ‘yes’ to messy, unpredictable, and wild progress. Insert wise words from Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle, Tara Brach etc…. here.
I facilitated a staff retreat a few weeks ago, just before Covid once again said we cannot be together. One of the components was a time management course. The crux of the course was a reading by Mary Oliver where she says, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious Life?”
It was here to drive the concept home I shared a story of a dear friend, one who awoke one day high in their garage and realized that they were spending their lives alone. Choosing self-medication and the fleeting high of cannabis over feeling their feelings, facing their past, and forging true connection with others. They whispered the words of the above poet to themselves through tears and finally found the courage to ask, “is this really how I want to spend my one wild and precious life”? In that moment the knowledge of impermanence became their doorway to freedom.
I shared that story… Only I lied. Kinda… I shared it from a 3rd person account. Talking about my ‘dear friend’ and leaving out the fun fact that that friend was me. Now I say ‘kinda’, as I do consider myself a dear friend to me.
Regardless of the nuances though, the reason I choose this point of view was not to drive home that I am my number one friend, but to share what I felt was an impactful story while remaining safely unseen.
Half me, half masked, and not surprising, only half connected to humans in front of me. Truth is, there are few things I am prouder of than quitting smoking weed and few things that I have kept as private. If I am exceptional, it is not because I am above the human condition, but because I have touched and known it intimately, finding the strength in my moments of imperfection to look myself in the mirror, love the mess I see, and rise.
To the individual that so lovingly held up this reflection, thank you. If shame kept me hidden in my garage, realizing my magnificence and sharing my truth might be the potion that sets me free. As I step into this next year of life, I am determined to let more of me shine (even the not so shiny parts) while opening the door for others to do the same.